Discovering how to release the burden of the past, let go of judgments, and connect with them through gratitude.
Do you remember the first time you heard someone say that parents always end up messing up their children's lives? No matter how hard they try, how much they prepare themselves, or how much they give of themselves, they always seem to make some colossal mistake in the end! In my childhood, of course, I didn't fully grasp this concept, but what I did know was that the occasional sadness that enveloped me had something to do with my parents.
Marisa Peer, a wise voice on the matter, breaks down the primary needs of children into three: 1. feeling loved; 2. feeling protected; and 3. feeling significant, knowing that someone cares about us. However, in my childhood, these basic needs weren't always fully met. And if I delve into the history of my parents, grandparents, and even the lives of my great-grandparents, I can surely say that those same needs weren't always fulfilled in their lives either.
It's simply absurd to expect, let alone demand, that someone act in a way they've never experienced, or to give something they've never received. It's like expecting a dog to bark like a cat. It's an endless cycle of unfulfilled deficiencies and desires stemming from ignorance, lack of tools, and a generous dose of pain.
Even as I entered adulthood, after acquiring knowledge and dedicating years to my personal growth, I still found myself pointing the finger at my parents on more than one occasion. "They didn't give me that," "they didn't teach me this," or "they weren't parents like others."
Until very recently, deep inside me, I firmly held onto the belief that they still had certain obligations towards me. I understood that they had done the best they could with what they had and from where they came, but I admit I wasn't entirely convinced. I couldn't let go of the burden of anger and resentment I had accumulated.
The day I became a mother, and even before that, I swore I would do things differently, that I would do them much better. Today, after nearly 3 years of "practice," I can say that, yes, there are things I would consider "better" in my approach. This led me to reflect on how my grandmother did better than my great-grandmother, and my mother better than my grandmother. Each generation brings progress, openness, social evolution, and more opportunities; it's a process of questioning old beliefs, freeing ourselves from them, and filling our backpacks with more modern and powerful tools.
But guess what? Despite all my years of self-exploration, mountains of books read, and courses taken, I confess I still mess up. And I'm sure I'll continue to do so until my last breath. Because children are our greatest teachers. We couldn't learn if we did everything right. They push us to improve, they motivate us to change. And obviously, that involves making mistakes, because we don't learn or evolve from perfection.
Just when I thought that my persistent reactions towards my parents had me trapped, I decided to take matters into my own hands. During one of my valuable sessions of family constellation therapy and as I delved into the pages of Ingala Robl's book "Family Secrets," I finally had a revelatory moment of clarity. I freed myself from the burden that had been haunting me and experienced a radical shift in perspective.
It was as if I had deciphered a puzzle that had been hidden in my heart since childhood. I realized something as essential as it was profound: once we reach adulthood, our parents don't owe us anything at all. They have already given us an immeasurable gift: life itself!
When we were children, they provided us with care, love, and protection. However, as we enter adulthood, that dynamic changes. And everything they give us should be received as a pleasant surprise, like finding money in the pocket of a jacket. You didn't expect it, and now you have it, doesn't it feel great? Therefore, the focus of the relationship should be solely on deep gratitude for giving us life. And for being the parents who brought us into this world, they will always be the right and perfect parents for us, regardless of their mistakes. This understanding took root within me, and as I began to genuinely feel that gratitude, I freed myself from the burden I had been carrying. Suddenly, I could relate to them without judging them, and everything changed.
This approach to family constellations has opened my eyes to the magic of gratitude and recognition toward my parents. Now, instead of blaming them for the challenges in my life, I look at them with gratitude for the most precious gift: my existence. I appreciate every effort, every sacrifice, and every small gesture they wove into the fabric of my life. And I accept with love, gratitude, and surprise anything additional they give me or do for me.
This shift in perspective not only brought about unexpected inner peace but also redefined my relationship with them. I learned to honor their essence, to accept them as they are, and to thank them for the journey we embarked on together. Now I see that it's not a matter of deserving or owing, but of accepting life as it is and being grateful for what we are.
From this renewed corner of understanding, I am weaving a new story, one that intertwines the threads of my life with theirs, and that breaks the bonds of guilt and obligation. I see them as imperfect yet precious human beings, and I too have my place, in harmony and love.
I hope that with this shift in paradigm, the path to a fluid and authentic relationship will open up, where love and acceptance flow like an endless river. And now, with this new filter in my heart, I embark on a new stage in our relationship, free from expectations and pending debts. Love, gratitude, and acceptance are the pillars that uphold this union, where each of us can be authentic, without the shadow of duty or pressure.
So, to my parents, I thank you for the greatest and most precious gift. For giving me life, with all its complexities and mysteries, I say: thank you, Mom and Dad, for this amazing journey!
Until next time dear readers! 🤙🏻
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