Since I embarked on this healing journey, I have sought various types of therapy and read numerous books that, in one way or another, explained to me that what bothered me about others was actually something that bothered me about myself. They suggested that others were simply reflecting back to me what I didn't like about myself, so if I criticized someone, I was actually criticizing something I also criticized within myself. For many reasons and through numerous examples, this always made sense to me.
However, there have been situations or experiences in which certain reactions from others, especially those closest to me such as my family, parents, siblings, partner, and even my own daughter, didn't fit into this idea that what bothered me about them was also something that bothered me about myself. No matter how hard I tried to prove it to myself, I simply couldn't find that connection.
Finally, during a family constellations session with my partner, I came to understand it. They explained it to me in a way that made much more sense and felt more real to me. It turns out that everything that bothers me about others, that triggers intense reactions within me, is actually touching a wound within myself—a childhood wound that subconsciously reminds me of that 5, 6, or 7-year-old wounded girl who hasn't been able to heal from a painful situation caused by someone close and dear.
It is true that all our current problems actually originate in the past, in our childhood. When we are young, we interpret the world with our limited life experience and the logic of a child, all in order to survive. A young girl cannot comprehend that when her parents are dissatisfied with her, fail to express their love, don't pay attention to her, or don't make her feel secure, it has nothing to do with her, but everything to do with them. A young girl simply cannot understand it, and moreover, it is not in her best interest to realize that her parents are unable to provide what she needs. The most "logical" and "safe" option is to believe that she is the problem. These wounds develop over time and, furthermore, remain in the subconscious, which leads us to encounter many problems in adulthood as we attribute that unconscious pain to the tangible situation we just experienced with a particular person.
If I go even further back in time, with the wisdom, understanding, and compassion I have today, I can see that it wasn't really my parents' fault to behave the way they did. It's just that what they did was and, in a way, still is familiar and known to them and to me. The familiar feels safer. Our minds always gravitate toward what is known.
The good news is that today I am here, working on myself, together with my parents, siblings, partner, and daughter, to heal those wounds and make the familiar and known become unknown, allowing love, patience, compassion, acceptance, understanding, and calmness to become the new familiar. Today, we are healing our childhood wounds. That is the ongoing task we are immersed in and will never cease. From there, we can create blank canvases for future generations, free from burdens and equipped with positive tools, with a mind wired correctly. Today, we are redefining what "familiar" means.
And thus, this becomes a practical tool that enables me to shift my perspective whenever I react to something or someone. Instead of solely focusing on their actions, I now ask myself, "What wound is being triggered?" I understand that true enlightenment comes from directing my focus inward, rather than outward towards others.
Being able to experience all of this, to transform my life while each member of my family transforms theirs, and in turn, transform our family dynamics, I feel profoundly fortunate and grateful. From the peace that comes from being here and feeling this, I share my experience. Through vulnerability, I express my truth so that others can impact their lives in the same way I have, and as we have done together as a family. Because it is possible and necessary to break patterns, we owe it to ourselves, as we come into this world to succeed, prosper, be happy, and enjoy life.
On that note, I leave you to go prosper…👊🏻, I hope you do the same ✌🏼
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